"Our words are a supplement to theirs, not the other way around. We want you to look at them, not us, even if it means our stats go down." Yes, yes, YES. I've gotten so much pushback over the past few years when I make the argument that online communities aren't actually real communities — "But, but but... This X group I'm part of has been so good for me!" Yes, that's great. But that's not the kind of community you were made for. You were made for an embodied community because you are an embodied person. Online communities scratch that itch just enough to make us feel like we've connected with people, when in reality, they usually leave us even lonelier than before (even if we don't want to admit it, or more realistically, even if we don't notice it because we've long forgotten what real community is like).
I have definitely felt that loneliness created by online communities; at first, there's a pump of adrenaline, that feeling of connection, but once I close the app and recognize that those people can't sit with me, can't see my everyday life, and so forth, I feel that loneliness set in even deeper than before. We real-life community!
Bravo! This is so wonderfully true, thank you for articulating it so well. So many things in life are like this, which means you’ve hit upon a true principle here. Everything that gives us life and restores and refreshes and uplifts us takes work on our end. For example, spending time in nature takes effort and even some risk: we might get rained on or be uncomfortable or encounter poison ivy or snakes. But we also might encounter the astonishing glory of God as well.
This is so good! Especially this: "We know that we have nothing to offer you besides the words we publish online, and even those fail compared to what the people in your local church can offer you. Our words are a supplement to theirs, not the other way around. We want you to look at them, not us, even if it means our stats go down."
The title is perfect, Lara. Depleted is exactly how I feel, with a brain that is eternally busy, has forgotten how to rest, and relentlessly craves stimulation. You’re reminding us that it’s not just about less screen time, it’s also about rerouting that time into our local community.
It's so true that our brain's have forgotten what it's like to rest. I easily see it when I consider people like myself versus my mother-in-law; I sit in a waiting room and need my phone, meanwhile she can sit there for hours without a phone and truly be content and peaceful. Our brains need rest!
This is so good! Convicting in some ways, but also affirming too, as I've been feeling this way. I want to create spaces where people can connect, but it is so draining to try and "take care" of every single person who is in your online path. This is something I've become aware of this year and trying to take some steps to alleviate guilt and pressures to be everywhere all at once!
It really is a tension! And I want it to be a nuanced conversation because I am one of those people who has developed true friendships through online communities, and I would never want to go back in time and not have that.
Thank you for writing this, Lara! I sometimes have a similar experience of receiving messages from online people asking for help/prayer/advice/more than I can give, and I really struggle with the guilt of not having the capacity to be what everyone would like me to be.
I'm really encouraged by your thoughts on this; I hadn't considered before the idea that online 'community' is easier because it's on our terms, but that doesn't replace the importance of real-life support and sacrifice. Thank you 🤍
I likewise struggle with this guilt. I've wished I could be a mentor and friend to every person who has reached out with such a request, but I've learned that I simply cannot be that for them, especially without being in their real life. Real-life community carries such a greater hope, endurance, and life in it that I could never offer them. This is what I try to remind myself as I face that guilt.
Oops, I missed your reply! But yes, that's wise to remind yourself that real-life communities are where it's at. I'm learning that in a whole new way this year while living 'on the road' without a fixed address or community. As fun as the adventure of it is, I'm very much looking forward to settling and having in-person connection again.
Not an influencer by any stretch of the imagination, but I had an Instagram following of nearly 4k — and I dealt with similar situations constantly. It was so overwhelming that I deactivated my entire account. I’ve been off IG now for over a year and it’s honestly been the most peaceful + present year of my adult life. I never want to go back. I love feeling bored and wondering how I should spend my time. I love not knowing what other people are doing. I love not sweating bullets trying to figure out if it’s creepy or friendly to wish a middle-school friend happy birthday. I will never, ever go back. I turned off Substack DMs the minute that feature popped up. We do not have the capacity to maintain so many relationships at the same time. And you’re quite right — sometimes our posts are all we have to offer the world. Writing for other people shouldn’t mean that we are automatically agreeing to be a private counselor for every person who reads our words. Those are two entirely different gifts and callings. All this to say — thank you so much for writing this, Lara.
And tonight I left my due date group. My baby girl was born 5 years after my twins and I felt like a new mom so I needed help and advice whole pregnant. But she was born 6 months ago and now the FB algorithm just shows me fights with spouses and women who are pregnant again considering abortion. I texted my husband a pic of a conversation complaining about men saying to him, “I ruined my night so now I ruined yours lol”. Then I immediately regretted it. I wondered “what am I getting from this group now?” So I deleted it and read this post. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for your kind words! I think it shows the direction our culture has gone, and it's such a strange shift in some ways. It makes me wonder if people like C.S. Lewis ever received letters of a similar sort?
"Our words are a supplement to theirs, not the other way around. We want you to look at them, not us, even if it means our stats go down." Yes, yes, YES. I've gotten so much pushback over the past few years when I make the argument that online communities aren't actually real communities — "But, but but... This X group I'm part of has been so good for me!" Yes, that's great. But that's not the kind of community you were made for. You were made for an embodied community because you are an embodied person. Online communities scratch that itch just enough to make us feel like we've connected with people, when in reality, they usually leave us even lonelier than before (even if we don't want to admit it, or more realistically, even if we don't notice it because we've long forgotten what real community is like).
Great words here; thanks for writing them!
I have definitely felt that loneliness created by online communities; at first, there's a pump of adrenaline, that feeling of connection, but once I close the app and recognize that those people can't sit with me, can't see my everyday life, and so forth, I feel that loneliness set in even deeper than before. We real-life community!
Lonelier than before—yes. Absolutely. Like Edmund’s Turkish Delight. What won’t we give up for it, and yet what does it satisfy?
Bravo! This is so wonderfully true, thank you for articulating it so well. So many things in life are like this, which means you’ve hit upon a true principle here. Everything that gives us life and restores and refreshes and uplifts us takes work on our end. For example, spending time in nature takes effort and even some risk: we might get rained on or be uncomfortable or encounter poison ivy or snakes. But we also might encounter the astonishing glory of God as well.
I love that parallel with nature; both are risky, but both provide so much encouragement and are worth the pain that may come with them.
This is so good! Especially this: "We know that we have nothing to offer you besides the words we publish online, and even those fail compared to what the people in your local church can offer you. Our words are a supplement to theirs, not the other way around. We want you to look at them, not us, even if it means our stats go down."
Thank you, Théa!
Nailed it.
Thank you, Brooke!
This: “Online communities left me striving to be God: Omnipresent, available at any time, and sovereignly orchestrating communities for myself.”
Striving to be God is exhausting, and you’ve explained one way the folly of it sneaks up on us.
Yes! It is so exhausting trying to beat the limits God gave us—it's impossible. Our phones are tricky in how they deceive us.
The title is perfect, Lara. Depleted is exactly how I feel, with a brain that is eternally busy, has forgotten how to rest, and relentlessly craves stimulation. You’re reminding us that it’s not just about less screen time, it’s also about rerouting that time into our local community.
It's so true that our brain's have forgotten what it's like to rest. I easily see it when I consider people like myself versus my mother-in-law; I sit in a waiting room and need my phone, meanwhile she can sit there for hours without a phone and truly be content and peaceful. Our brains need rest!
This is so good! Convicting in some ways, but also affirming too, as I've been feeling this way. I want to create spaces where people can connect, but it is so draining to try and "take care" of every single person who is in your online path. This is something I've become aware of this year and trying to take some steps to alleviate guilt and pressures to be everywhere all at once!
It is such a tension! I know that pressure and guilt too to take care of everyone online—it's a burden we were never meant to bear!
This is so good and so wise!!!!
Thank you, Sarah! That is so kind of you to say!
Lara, this is so good. Wow. I resonate deeply with this tension.
It really is a tension! And I want it to be a nuanced conversation because I am one of those people who has developed true friendships through online communities, and I would never want to go back in time and not have that.
Such good things to think about here, friend!
Thank you, Katie! ❤️
Thank you for writing this, Lara! I sometimes have a similar experience of receiving messages from online people asking for help/prayer/advice/more than I can give, and I really struggle with the guilt of not having the capacity to be what everyone would like me to be.
I'm really encouraged by your thoughts on this; I hadn't considered before the idea that online 'community' is easier because it's on our terms, but that doesn't replace the importance of real-life support and sacrifice. Thank you 🤍
I likewise struggle with this guilt. I've wished I could be a mentor and friend to every person who has reached out with such a request, but I've learned that I simply cannot be that for them, especially without being in their real life. Real-life community carries such a greater hope, endurance, and life in it that I could never offer them. This is what I try to remind myself as I face that guilt.
Oops, I missed your reply! But yes, that's wise to remind yourself that real-life communities are where it's at. I'm learning that in a whole new way this year while living 'on the road' without a fixed address or community. As fun as the adventure of it is, I'm very much looking forward to settling and having in-person connection again.
Not an influencer by any stretch of the imagination, but I had an Instagram following of nearly 4k — and I dealt with similar situations constantly. It was so overwhelming that I deactivated my entire account. I’ve been off IG now for over a year and it’s honestly been the most peaceful + present year of my adult life. I never want to go back. I love feeling bored and wondering how I should spend my time. I love not knowing what other people are doing. I love not sweating bullets trying to figure out if it’s creepy or friendly to wish a middle-school friend happy birthday. I will never, ever go back. I turned off Substack DMs the minute that feature popped up. We do not have the capacity to maintain so many relationships at the same time. And you’re quite right — sometimes our posts are all we have to offer the world. Writing for other people shouldn’t mean that we are automatically agreeing to be a private counselor for every person who reads our words. Those are two entirely different gifts and callings. All this to say — thank you so much for writing this, Lara.
I am still on the fence about deleting mine. It is nice to read your perspective, thank you!
And tonight I left my due date group. My baby girl was born 5 years after my twins and I felt like a new mom so I needed help and advice whole pregnant. But she was born 6 months ago and now the FB algorithm just shows me fights with spouses and women who are pregnant again considering abortion. I texted my husband a pic of a conversation complaining about men saying to him, “I ruined my night so now I ruined yours lol”. Then I immediately regretted it. I wondered “what am I getting from this group now?” So I deleted it and read this post. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for your kind words! I think it shows the direction our culture has gone, and it's such a strange shift in some ways. It makes me wonder if people like C.S. Lewis ever received letters of a similar sort?